Spontaneous logical question

Cousin: Look dear, we have so much of dreams for you, and you are....
(before she can complete)

Niece(her daughter): Mummy! You always said, you lost all your sleep after I am born. 
Then how could you dream?

God & Plans

My facebook status: If you want to make God laugh; tell him about your plans. -Woody Allen.


Friends comment on it: God may just laugh knowing that you have "PLANS", don't even have to tell him what they are!!!

Funny incident at house

Hilarious incident @ my house:
Older nephew(3 years old in another 2 weeks & talks broken tamil) and younger nephew (became 1 yr old a month back & can utter few words) are fond of bike rides. When both are on the bike it becomes responsibility of the elder to hold the younger one safely.

The other day when I was ready to go for a bike round; the elder one immediately dressed up and then was mentioning this to the younger one, "Chittappa(i.e. uncle) is taking me to doctor who will put injection...so..."

The Legendary Lungi - (Received this Fwd 4m a Mallu Friend)

Just as the national bird of Kerala is Mosquito, her national dress is 'Lungi'. Pronounced as 'Lu' as in loo and 'ngi ' as in 'mongey', a lungi can be identified by its floral or window-curtain pattern. 'Mundu' is the white variation of lungi and is worn on special occasions like hartal or bandh days, weddings and Onam.

Lungi is simple and 'down to earth' like the mallu wearing it. Lungi is the beginning and the end of evolution in its category. Wearing

something on the top half of your body is optional when you are wearing a lungi.

Lungi is a strategic dress. It's like a one-size-fits-all bottoms for Keralites.

The technique of wearing a lungi/mundu is passed on from generation to generation through word of mouth like the British Constitution. If you think it is an easy task wearing it, just try it once! It requires techniques like breath control and yoga that is a notch higher than sudarshan kriya of AOL. A lungi/mundu when perfectly worn won't come off even in a quake of 8 on the richter scale. A lungi is not attached to the waist using duct tape, staple, rope or velcro. It's a bit of mallu magic whose formula is a closely guarded secret like the Coca Cola chemicals.

A lungi can be worn 'Full Mast' or 'Half Mast' like a national flag. A 'Full Mast' lungi is when you are showing respect to an elderly or the dead. Wearing it at full mast has lots of disadvantages. A major disadvantage is when a dog runs after you. When you are wearing a lungi/mundu at full mast, the advantage is mainly for the female onlookers who are spared the ordeal of swooning at the sight of hairy legs.

Wearing a lungi 'Half Mast' is when you wear it exposing yourself like those C grade movie starlets. A mallu can play cricket, football or simbly run when the lungi is worn at half mast. A mallu can even climb a coconut tree wearing lungi in half mast. "It's not good manners, especially for ladies from decent families, to look up at a mallu climbing a coconut tree"- Confucius (or is it Abdul Kalam?)

Most mallus do the traditional dance kudiyattam. Kudi means drinking alcohol and yattam, spelled as aattam, means random movement of the male body. Note that 'y' is silent. When you are drinking, you drink, there is no 'y'. Any alcohol related "festival" can be enjoyed to the maximum when you are topless with lungi and a towel tied around the head. "Half mast lungi makes it easy to dance and shake legs" says Candelaria Amaranto, a Salsa teacher from Spain after watching 'kudiyaattam' .

The 'Lungi Wearing Mallu Union' [LUWMU, pronounced LOVE MU], an NGO which works towards the 'upliftment' of the lungi, strongly disapprove of the GenNext tendency of wearing Bermudas under the lungi. Bermudas under the lungi is a conspiracy by the CIA. It's a disgrace to see a person wearing burmuda with corporate logos under his lungi. What they don't know is how much these corporates are limiting their freedom of movement and expression.

A mallu wears lungi round the year, all weather, all season. A mallu celebrates winter by wearing a colourful lungi with a floral pattern. Lungi provides good ventilation and brings down the heat between legs. A mallu is scared of global warming more than anyone else in the world.

A lungi/mundu can be worn any time of the day/night. It doubles as blanket at night. It also doubles up as a swing, swimwear, sleeping bag, parachute, facemask while entering/exiting toddy shops, shopping basket and water filter while fishing in ponds and rivers. It also has recreational uses like in 'Lungi/mundu pulling', a pastime in households having more than one male member. Lungi pulling competitions are held outside toddyshops all over Kerala during Onam and Vishu. When these lungis are decommissioned from service, they become table cloths.

Thus the humble lungi is a cradle to grave appendage.

Where is Pluto?

I was teaching this little friend of mine studying in 5th Std. We were looking at Planetary System chapter. In the list of planets we found that Pluto was missing.

Our little friend, asked me "Do you know why they do not have Pluto listed now?"

I vaguely tried to recollect the news where they said Pluto has been removed from the planets list because of its size...etc.

My little friend disagreed with me and said, "You saw Taarae Zameen Par? Ishaan for multiplying 3 into 9 breaks the 9th planet pluto with earth, right? Thats why!!!"

Do u smell smoke ???

My colleague sitting next to me said "Do you also smell smoke?"

Me: "yes"

Colleague: Where is it possibly coming from?

Me: May be its the 'Fire in the belly' here", pointing at my stomach.

When he started lifting his finger to cover his nose, did I realize what I had just blurted out.
I had to then clarify that it was another PJ, and no problem with my stomach.

For Mara Tamils...Vadivelu dialogues in real life

Vadivelu dialogues have more or less become part of life and is a rage these days in Tamilnadu...the instances I have come across make me ROFL. Here are few...

@my cousins wedding
My two lovely niece studying in 1st/2nd standard were standing before the reception area, and were bowing to people coming in and at their top of their voice would welcome with (this vadivel dialogue)...
"Vanthuttanngayya Vanthuttanga"...


@my friends regret
Friend aged 26 had eagerly started bride search in websites. To his dismay, his parents have told him that "Going by your horoscope, you must not marry now. As you are gonna be unsettled and shuffling place of residence for next 2 years and marriage would break if you marry over this time".

I tried to cajole him with some nice ideas and suggested, "Why dont u start searching now, get engaged to some nice girl and marry after this 2 years. Have you suggested this to your parents?"

His (vadivel dialogue) reply was "Aaniyae pudunga vendamnu sollittanga..."

@my cousin to her sister-in-law
Cousin: "Why haven't you gone and had lunch at that hotel?, food is very very good and its next to ur place of residence..."

Sister-in-law: "I was waiting for your brother to take me there till now."

Cousin(used the Vadivels dialogue): "Aaahhaaaaaa! Aaahhaaaaaa!!! Ambuttu nallavangalaaa neenga???"

@regarding my future marriage plans
Whenever someone asked me about my marriage plans, I used to reply, "Nowadays my affection to hindi is increasing day by day...so who knows...??"

Cousin asked "Have you told this to parents and got their approval???"

Eventhough my parents said they wouldnt mind since this (Vadivel dialogue) quote was appropriate I just replied, "Hmmmm...well their reply was 'Pechhu! Pechhaa thaan irukkanum!!!'. "

I am ...

My colleague SK mentioned after a days work, "I am 'tired'."


My another colleague VJ immediately replied, "I am 'Vimal'."

Misbah-ul-Haq forgot 1 important fact

As told by my mallu friend...

On the 1st 20-20 final, When Misbah-ul-Haq hit the ball thinking its deflected to no-man's land he forgot one important fact, can you guess that important point?



That there's a mallu in every corner of this world!

What do you call a person...???

My neighbour cubicle'r was writing an essay for his MBA application to an university abroad.

He very seriously asked me "PK, what do u call a person who is thinking ahead of his time and identifying problems and escalating it? Actually, I have to describe myself here from my managers viewpoint"

PK: "Whistle-blower!!!"

Something Fishy

VR called my next cubicle'r SK to come to his desk. When I asked "What for? Should I also join?"
VR replied back "No only SK, this is about something, Fishy!"
This prompt reply was rather unexpected by them then, "ok SK carry on, anyways I am a Vegetarian."

Great Heights 2 - Come down

When I told this previous joke to my friend, he said; a similar funny reply was got by one of his relative in Military(he was 6ft and more as the previous person).

This relative had gone to a petty fast food outlet and ordered an omelette.
Teenage kid there had taken an egg for making it. Relative had stopped him saying the egg looks very small.

Kid had immediately replied, "Its big only, come down and see."

Great Heights

My ex-boss(6ft 3 or more inches) had a fractured hand and he had curious look from everyone in our 100 odd people office.

He sent out a mail informing that he had fractured hand because of a fall. He also added that he had inquired the doctor why a simple fall had caused a fracture.

Doctor had replied to him "when you fall from great heights, you risk fracturing your arms."

Made in Australia???

My friend had a project assignment for 6 months in Australia. He took his wife and kid along.

Once he got back he said he is expecting his second kid in 6 months.

Gave the usual "Advance Congrats" and quipped "Oh! Made in Australia!".

Most Hilarious Matrimonial profile I hav read so far...

I do the online bridegroom search for my sister...today this profile made me ROFL...

Name: Entrepreneur
...
Occupation in detail : Aspiring entrepreneur preparing for business

in About me

section is where the comedy starts...

Good sense of humour; Varied interests such as art, movies, music, literature and sports;zest for living life to the fullest makes me an INTERESTING PERSON!
Good character, values and no bad habits make me a GOOD HUMAN BEING!
Innovation, creativity makes me DREAMER AND VISIONARY!
Readiness to take any efforts and hard work makes me ACHIEVER!
Gender equality makes me GOOD COOK and FAMILY PERSON!
curiosity, varied interests, readiness to learn new things make me ADAPTABLE AND FLEXIBLE TO DO ANYTHING!
Intelligence, Good Education (M. C. S. ) and wide work experience as Computer Software Professional in India and U. K. makes me GLOBALLY COMPETENT!
My keen interest and ambition to set-up own business widens my HORIZONS TO CONQUER in many fields, not just IT industry, the area of my core competence!

BUT despite having all these in my account, my life is EMPTY!
Missing is the ONE WOMAN who will be my WIFE,
With whom I can SHARE all these all my life or long term of my life!
Without HER all these things has no meaning, no value!
No meaning to my existence! No meaning to my Life!
EVERYTHING IS MEANINGLESS WITHOUT HER!
Do you feel about your life same way, EVERYTHING MEANINGLESS WITHOUT HIM?

Dear Bride,
Are YOU the one who is missing in my life?
Are YOU the one who will make everything MEANINGFUL for me?
If yes, then come soon! I am eagerly waiting for YOU!

We will MARRY and start NEW LIFE!.... OUR LIFE TOGETHER!
And build our own SWEET HOME to live TOGETHER HAPPILY and PEACEFULLY!
And Set-up our OWN BUSINESS from scratch,
preferably in YOUR field of PASSION,
to work hard TOGETHER and progress FAST!
And Start our own NUCLEAR FAMILY soon when adequately settled.
Parents allowed to live with us only after they become totally dependent on others.
Brothers, sisters, uncles, aunties, etc. not allowed to live in our Home!
We will LIVE our Marriage life HAPPILY and PEACEfully!
We will NOT AT ALL QUARREL after marriage, because
we will sort out all possible disputes over rights, responsibilities, divorce terms, etc.
before signing our marriage contract at the time we marry in COURTS OF LAW.

When U come don't rob your parents/siblings/relatives with your dowry demands.
Come with your self-earned stuff only, so that u will live with dignity and self-respect!
If you haven't earned so far, earn as much as u can during 1 months notice to court.
I won't accept you, without your own self-earned contribution to our JOINT VENTURES-Home, Family and businesses!
Come soon! If you can't come to my city, I will come to yours because I am OPEN TO MIGRATE.
WE WILL JOIN EACH OTHER SOON TO MAKE A NEW BEGINNING!

How can you do this to me?

Went to my friend's (he is my room mate) wedding reception function last month. As my friend cooks most of time for both of us, I told his sister, "He was cooking nicely for me, now I am going to miss it".
His sister gave a laugh and said "Go tell this to the bride on stage and ask her, How can she do this to you?"

On the podium when I mentioned this statement to the couple, my friend quickly replied, "Dont raise any cooking related topic now, for a while(since their engagement) we have been debating over phone who is gonna cook after marriage..."

Gimme a missed call on this mobile!!!

My friend is looking for a house and someone gave him a broker's(a sardar) mobile number. Friend called him up and conversation between the two were around the requirements and area and stuff...
At the end of the call, our man(the broker) asked my friend to give him a missed call on THIS MOBILE so that he can have my friends number.

Do you use Card, sir?

A very familiar question from Credit Card call center trying to sell Credit Cards.
Colleague: Yes, I do use Cards.
CC Girl: Which card do you use sir?
Colleague: Ration Card.

Call ended immediately.

Pity the sales girls in Call Center. Wish to know whether anyone really gets to sell thru this sales campaign. If only they had skills of persons who can sell ice to eskimos or sell Infrastructure bonds to Bangaloreans(2nd example was lifted from http://poomanam.blogspot.com/ very funny blog ...indeed).

Demos are always bewitched

This happened to my cousin who works for a finance company with a large customer base in rural India. He works in marketing department. One of the Directors had come down to his office. After some usual office meetings had asked for a demo of how they market the products on the field.

He had taken the director to a nearby village and having him aside he approached the nearby elderly man in his sixties. He introduced himself as a person working for this company and had started marketing the companies product. All the while, the elderly man had kept nodding his head.

After some 5-6 minutes of this campaign, the elderly man has said, "My child, I see that you want to tell something to me, but my left ear does not hear properly, can you come over to my right and explain it."

My cousin still gets a good laugh from everyone over this demo embarrassment before his marketing director.

Matrimony website - prospective Alliance's reply

I got this reply while searching alliances for my sister in one of these matrimony websites. Don't miss to read what bridegroom's parents are searching for(an NRI). You will immediately appreciate his urgency on the last line.

Hi,

I saw your msg happy, pls send your sister photo horscope and adress details now i am in india, my parents now searching aliens. pls send imediatly.

Thanking

.......